Monday, May 31, 2004

"I discovered there was an endless source of robust enjoyment in trifling with psychiatrists: cunningly leading them on; never letting them see that you know all the tricks of the trade; inventing for them elaborate dreams, pure classics in style (which made them, the dream-extortionists, dream and wake up shrieking); teasing them with fake "primal scenes"; and never allowing them the slightest glimpse of one's real sexual predicament."

Lolita Vladimir Nabokov

Friday, May 28, 2004

I remember having numerous discussions with people on the purpose of getting married. And my stand then, was to obtain financial incentives, tax breaks, housing, all that kind of stuff. Now, i am adding one more reason, its to get laid on a regular basis. (inspired by K)

I realised that the more time I spend with a person, the easier it is for me to locate his/her flaws, quirks, idiosyncracies, the easier it is to find the things about them, that irritate me or annoy me. And sometimes, it takes just a small trigger to spark off outright anger and, in the worst case scenario, hatred.

I'm not a very nice person. I gather.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Someone broke my bottle of sambal chilli this morning. I heard some commotion then but never did I imagine that my sambal chilli would be the casualty. Its becoming a pattern though. The first time, my mom brought me the chilli, my dad broke it. Now its one of my flatmates. Well, I scooped up the chilli and placed it in a tuberware, was carefuly to make sure no glass shards were left in it. In the process of doing so, I cut myself on the thumb. A small prick of pain. And blood starting flowing, it was quite a deep cut. I stared at it for a while, watching the blood well up from under the skin,flowing out rapidly till it formed a drop, perfect in its symmetry. When I moved, it burst and the blood swirled around my thumb before dripping down onto the ground. There's blood spots on my kitchen now. One thing about my kitchen is, we never ever bother to clean it, so the things we drop on the ground, they remain unless they are dangerous. So, yes there is blood on the ground. Tried to staunch the flow of blood with tissue. I didn't have any plaster around but it just didn't stop. Was wondering whether I had leukemia or whether the cut was just deep. Had blood on my bread when I ate, blood on my table, blood on my laptop. My room was beginning to look like a crime scene. Was tempted to pick up a piece of the glass and stored it for blood letting purposes. Had to forced myself out of the room. Walked to school, with a bloody thumb. It still didn't stop. Started speculating as to whether the glass fragments entered my bloodstream and it was heading, inevitably, to my heart. I walked, walked and walked.

Well, the blood eventually stopped. I realised, I forgot to exert pressure on the wound. Thats why.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

I realised that I really really like chilli powder. And I have a bottle of it now in my kitchen cabinet which is full of sauces, herbs and spices. I know people think I am insane when they see the amount of chilli i put into my food. Just today, I cooked my "I cannot be bothered to follow any recipe dish" which is basically chicken marinated with oyster sauce, salt, pepper, soy sauce, sesame oil, cornflour and lots of chilli powder, stir fried with peppers, mushrooms and depending on which Lee Kum Kee sauce I have in the fridge. Currently, its just black bean sauce and chilli garlic. I guess its probably a Singaporean thing to have so much chilli. There are people worse than me. A comes to mind. He practically empties pots of chilli when he eats.

Today was domestic. Did my groceries, a lot of buy one get free stuff, apples, chicken legs, yoghurt, sausages Bought chinese wine, I realised I finished an entire bottle of Chinese wine in just two months. To a great extent, my dishes require it. And more instant noodles as well! Nissin brand. I realised the flavours they have in the UK, is surprisingly much more than Singapore, Singapore its just the basic chicken or original flavour, here I can get Miso flavour, Curry flavour, Pork bone soup, Chilli Seafood.

Finished my supervisor meeting for the month. It wasn't too bad, especially when I think I know where my thesis is heading, at least in a general sense. Talked about cases and judges speaking extra-judicially. I am not too sure, whether I am being overly confident or even presumptious to say this but I think I can communicate with my supervisor on an academic level. Sadly, I dont know whether he thinks I am good enough to be an academic and its not a question you put forth to people. Its not something, he will tell me, "oh I think you make a good academic."

Funny thing happened though, apparently, the school of law misplaced my personal file, with the details on my meeting minutes, my writeup so far and the general research structure. The secretary is going to email me to get me to give them my copies.

Sent out cover letter and CV to the various halls. Hope I can get a tutorship somewhere, I don't really care where, so long as its on this campus. I believe a good social environment, with me in some position of authority, interaction with humans would do me good so long as I have a balance between my own private space and my thirst for company. Fingers crossed.

Not in the mood to work today, had to wake up early, and when that happens, my routine is basically screwed up. I am a sucker for routine. If I don't start the day properly, i don't feel like continuing with the day. So I am at home now, blogging, going to do groceries and laundry today. Domesticity, is soothing. Going to take the day off. Work hard for three days and go to London this weekend with JJ.

I think I help people not because I want to help them but because I like to talk to them.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

In seven months, I am going to be 27. 30 looms ahead. 30 isn't good. I am getting old. i don't want to hit the 30. I want to be back in my teens, acne and all. I want to be a child, an infant. I want to be back in the womb again. Why? Because I want a new start. Because I want a chance to be someone I am not. Because maybe just maybe, I won't screw up my life this time? I am getting old and I have nothing much to show for it. Two pieces of paper and an unhappy past. I would take no paper and a happy past but I don't have that.

L and I had a msn conversation about stupid fucks and how she hated stupid fucks. Of course I did point out that she was the one who wanted to meet the stupid fucks but instead of calling her a stupid fuck for meeting more stupid fucks, I have decided to call her a forgetful fuck. Anyway, she was describing the endless reasons why she loathed the stupid fucks and I listened, made snide remarks every now and then. For a while, the conversation made no impact on me but when I started thinking about my age and the impending 30, I realised that I rather be a stupid fuck, than to be an unhappy fuck.

I am an unhappy fuck.

Friday, May 21, 2004

This is fucking pathetic. I was supposed to go to P's place for dvds. When I got to his block, I realised that I forgot the pass number for entry. So fine, lets try and call him on my handphone. Damn, no batteries. Fine call him on the internal, bloody hell, I can't remember his number for his room phone. Life sucks. I am now waiting in the computer lab for him to appear on msn. Fuck fuck fuck.

Sighs, i don't know, getting worried about my thesis, submitted four pages of it, around 2500 words for the next chapter. Not too sure whether its relevant. I am trying to work out the justifications for a change in the law, starting from the judges themselves but I suspect I am too long winded, because for just one tiny section, of a single jurisdiction, i chalked up 4 pages, not too sure whether I can sustain this.

Worried. Worried. Worried.

not talking to FY, i wonder whether its partly responsible for my functionality this week, not too sure. I suspect , or rather I think, I am bailing out on her. I can't take her much any longer. I guess, i don't mind talking to people who are depressing, for the obvious reason that I am depressing as well but her, i don't know why, she just gets me more down. I can't really pinpoint exactly why she is getting on my nerves. I don't know.

Managed to get into P's block. Turns out that some workers modified the knob such that instead of turning right, I am supposed to turn it left now. Yea, so because of that, i spent thirty minutes loitering in a computer lab that I haven't been to for at least two years.

Weekend is here. Not too sure what I am going to do yet. Go out to the city, on my own, catch a movie or something or just stay in my room with my PS2. I don't know. Will see how it goes.

Friday, May 14, 2004

Went out to watch Van Helsing. Its a comedy. So absolutely hilarious, the cliched moments, the 1 hr and 43 minutes build up to that one kiss, the sickly sweet dialogue between Van Helsing and Anna, the half attempts at being philosophical and post modernist "self awareness" and of course, Dracula's babies??? Harlow?? The Mummy and the Mummy Returns was so much better, the quick witty dialogue, the repartee between the characters, this is like watching Mutant X instead of Buffy. I was sniggering for most of the movie. And what's the difference between VH and Wolverine, they have big claws, they have amnesia, they have a passing relationship with wolves, they are Hugh Jackson, don't need to be much of an actor to play that role. Of course, its possible to take the movie in a completely different direction. Apparently, Van Helsing is called Gabriel and he is the Left Hand of God. Doesn't that make him an angel? Will be interesting to explore this plot idea of Gabriel on Earth whose purpose is to weed out evil. Even more so, to be an angel who rebels against God like what Michael did in Lucifer, the graphic novel. But with Hollywood, directing the movie, dream on. Thats why I prefer reading Sandman and Lucifer, I prefer watching Japanese Anime, especially when the Japs have a version of Helsing. Thats my next anime buy.

Was really happy this morning when I woke up. Lakers beat Spurs, game 5 on a Fisher buzzer beater! I hate boring defensive teams.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

This week has been a bad week. First two days were spent, in a futile attempt to read my cases, haiku, msn, slashing and feeling generally crappy, took up most of the time. Yesterday, was better. I managed to get something down on paper, although, I am nowhere satisfied with I wrote then. Today was just bad. I spent it rewriting and rewriting the same passage over and over again. The more I write the more mediocre I feel, my deadline is next friday and I don't have much to show at the supervisor meeting. Sighs, going to try again tomorrow. Hopefully, I can finish, at least the English common law section, although I am not optimistic about my prospects for that. Wondering whether I should cut myself to get the creative juices flowing. That sounds pathetic.

Weekend is coming again and I am scared of the emptiness. Two days in my room, i don't know whether I can take it. Wish JJ could visit me more often but I don't think thats plausible. Nor do I think that its fair to rely on her. I wish, someone can say, she loves me, and do whatever she can to make me visible, to feel that I am part of something. But there's no one around. Going to watch Van Helsing tomorrow. Heard that it isn't that fantastic, but at least I have an excuse to go out before I am cooped up in my room for the weekend. I am really tired. When I can make cuts near my wrists, it means the madness can easily spill over till I slit.

I wonder whether my death would mean anything to anyone besides my parents. Sometimes, love isn't a good thing. I can't kill myself because of them and therefore I have to live in my misery. I am really tired. I don't feel good about anything. I have no future because I don't see any except a black fog of maddness enveloping everything. No matter how high I work up, its the same, fear of mediocrity, fear of being alone, yet being unable to connect with people because I simply can't. I can't love. Because C has drained every ounce of love out of me. M has proven that to me.

The beheading incident was another indication of my utter desensitisation.I don't care whether humans die, the poor, the marginalised. I just care about the people who notice me and see me who I am, the people who I consider to be my friends. The rest of the world, can implode for all I care.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Alone Again (Naturally)

In a little while from now
If I'm not feeling any less sour
I promise myself to treat myself
And visit a nearby tower
And climbing to the top will throw myself off
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever what it's like when you're shattered
Left standing in the lurch at a church
Where people saying: "My God, that's tough
She's stood him up"
No point in us remaining
We may as well go home
As I did on my own
Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday
I was cheerful, bright and gay
Looking forward to well wouldn't do
The role I was about to play
But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need
I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts
broken in the world that can't be mended
Left unattended
What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally
Now looking back over the years
And whatever else that appears
I remember I cried when my father died
Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty-five years old
My mother, God rest her soul,
Couldn't understand why the only man
She had ever loved had been taken
Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken
Despite encouragement from me
No words were ever spoken
And when she passed away
I cried and cried all day
Alone again, naturally
Alone again, naturally

sugoki kawaii monster-chan!!!!


I woke up feeling sad, a song was in my head but I couldn't figure out where I've heard it before, its like I could hum the first few notes of the melody which culminated in the word "lullaby" Switched on computer and proceeded to play sad music. I haven't played my sad music for a while, for the last few weeks, it was just "all music clips" and now I am playing Hallelujah, Hurt, Angel and Foolish Games on repeat. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for the last six years and I can't get over my grief.


Jeff Buckley

I heard there was a secret chord
that David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well it goes like this :
The fourth, the fifth, the minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Well your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrough ya
She tied you to her kitchen chair
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me do ya
But remember when I moved in you
And the holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Well, maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah...

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

I am cutting again, on a relatively large scale, felt so restless so jumpy, saw one new email on my msn messenger, was worried that she had replied to attack me, try to get the page up, something was wrong with the connection, couldn't get it done. Started to get jumpy, really jumpy, went to the kitchen to cook, saw the knife, took it back to my room, contrary to my impressions, it was relatively sharp, starting cutting,5 small cuts near to crucial vein, its so easy to make that cut, i have the weapon, i just need the will to do it. Feel like crying, holding it back, but feel like crying, just holding it back. No one is around. No one at all, I am alone, so utterly alone, the bear is in singapore, I do not wake people up. FY is rational. And with that, I have no one left. No one to talk to.

Whenever, I write, think, brood, I can hear Jim Carrey's voice from Eternal sunshine, whispering dreamily as the narrator when he thinks. This is not the exact quote but its one of my favourite lines from the movie, "why do I keep falling in love with women who notice me?"

Monday, May 10, 2004

I miss watching movies at the cinema on a regular basis. Before May, I watched a grand total of two movies at the cinema in the UK. One was Kill Bill vol. 1 and the other was Something's gotta give. And incredibly, in one and a half weeks, I watched three movies, kill bill vol. 2, monster and Eternal sunshine. I guess the main obstacle preventing me from going to the cinema is the lack of a cinema kaki, I need company to watch movies.
I need to learn how to be alone. Need to learn how to handle it. how to live with it, because I envisage my life to be as such. I hope that I can finally get out to the city, on my own, to watch a movie.

Had a good weekend with JJ and I want to preserve the memories of it, because it was the first time, I felt cheered up, in a long long time. She managed to drive to my place, she did need my instructions once, but she's pretty good with her directions, for a girl. Brought her to Pierre Victoire for the value for money French set lunches for just 7.90 pounds She had the brioche with the leeks and smoked salmon, and the beef stew with red wine and bacon. I had the carrot and coriander soup and fish and chips, my selection wasn't fantastic but for the price, I shouldnt complain. The desserts were good too, she had a banana creme brulee while I had a lemon meringue cake.

After that, went shopping with her. I was bringing her to the fashion brands which I thought she would be interested, Zara, Pilot, Kookai, Topshop, Next. I am pretty amazed by the extent of my knowledge of the brands, and even more so, the location of the shops themselves. Had quite a good time, walking around her, looking at her model her dresses and tops. We went to MUJI as well, and I bought a water flask from there. Not to mention, two shirts from topshop. She was constantly egging me on to buy stuff so that my monetary expenditure was comparable to hers for that day.

I then brought her to Pitcher and Piano, a church which converted into a pub, had a drink there, marvel at the architecture within the church and how the pub's bar and chairs and tables blended in with the general scheme of the church. Went to get tics for eternal sunshine next but as we had a full lunch, we wanted to walk a while more before getting dinner. So I thought, might as well bring her to Revolution. Revolution is a vodka bar where they sell chocolate favoured vodka and I know, she loves Singapore, she literally goes on a high when she has chocolate. So we went there to get her that one shot.

Had dinner at Nandos, a Kenny Rogers like restuarant, roasted chicken, that kind of stuff, although, it was much spicier and they had a huge variety of spicy sauces. It was pretty good decent food, and i really had fun experimenting with the sauces. its like having steamboat as u concoct the ultimate chilli sauce for the food. 850 was the movie. Eternal Sunshine was good, one of the better movies I have watched in a while.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

I don't know but most people can forget their past, at least get over it. I never seem to be able to do it. I have flashbacks, 6 years after the incident, i can remember details, the way she said things, the things she did, everything. I can't forget, i really can't. I really wish, Lacuna Inc did exist but i guess, even if it did, i suspect the message is probably true, we can't stop ourselves from making the same mistakes, because we are who we are, we have to learn from the mistakes to stop making them. But still, I wish, i could have a happier ending, and not this perpetual state of misery I am in. I can't love anyone else until I can forget her entirely, but I can't.

Next day, we went to church or rather she went to church while I wondered around in the city for the duration of the mass, went to Waterstones to check out books. There were qutie a lot of books that I wanted to get, but I know, that its too expensive and I probably wouldn't have time to read it. Fight Club, Hello Nostradamus and Curious Incident of the dog or something, can't remember the title exactly. Went up to check out poems. Found an interesting book where four friends, agree to write a haiku each week to describe their lives, and they managed to get it published, (probably because they are prominent members of the arts scene in American i think) but its quite innovative, each page, there are four haikus written by each person, and you see a story, a shift of mood, of emotions, of thoughts as the pages flip. It inspired me to sms the bear to ask whether she wanted a haiku blog.

Picked her up after the mass and I went with her to Wagamama, or the UK nooch, for noodles, my miso ramen was a bit oily but still pretty decent. She had the wagamama speciality ramen. We had gyozas too. After that we went to Beeston sainsbury to get groceries, I had promised to cook chicken curry for her. Spent the rest of the afternoon, lazing in my room, watched 8 episodes of sex and the city season three, before cooking the curry. Had dinner and soon it was time for her to drive back to Cambridge.

I don't know why, I can never understand this but I can't seem to hug the bear or FY, but I can hug other people, JJ as well.

Well thats the end of the weekend. It was surreal, its like I was living in another world for the duration of a weekend, but now, its back to myself, the office and the isolation cell and it scares me, i feel incredibly lonely now, withdrawal symptoms i guess. I am really scared of being alone now.

Friday, May 07, 2004

I wonder whether pain helps me think. Yesterday, I was feeling so jumpy, a few cuts on my arm with my keys calmed me down, and voila, i managed to structure the section I was writing. I remember the term before my exams in O, was characterised by long nights, struggling at the computer, cutting whenever i felt down, to maintain momentum in my writing. And the essays turn out better than the ones I did before C wrecked my equilibrium. Its like whipping a horse to make it run faster.

Thursday, May 06, 2004

I m feeling restless in the office. Partly because i can't think clearly, in relation ot my article and partly because i feel as if the things are happening around me in the office and not to me. I am feeling incredibly jumpy, and restless, i had to resort to biting myself, to calm myself down. Is pain really the only answer? I don't see any alternatives at all. At the end of the day, its always the knife, the keys, i don't understand why there's no other answer.

I took some photos of the Lake District during my graduation trip with my parents. The photographs are online, they are digital. My mom saw them and she said, that she understood me better from the photographs. Apparently, the way I make the shots are completely different from my Dad. I didn't really notice it before but according to her, they reflect the loneliness and solitude I feel. I am not too sure how she got that interpretation.

Trying to write my article for the last two hours. Progress is not too bad until I started yawning. I was wondering why I was so sleepy, despite the fact that the bear woke me up one hour before my waking time, normally i would be fine with a cup of coffee. Oh I forgot my coffee. Went to the cafe to get coffee, the old lady there remembers my choice of coffee. Nice and endearing. Listened to FY rant. Personally, I am at the stage where I think she's better off dead. For me, there's still an answer, albeit flawed, but for now, it appears to be dead ends everywhere she turns. Of course I can't say it to her, or suggest it, I wouldn't want to be guilty of aiding or abetting her suicide. Thankfully she doesn't know the existence of this blog and the bear had better not reveal it again.

Had an email from an irc acquaintance. Apparently, she is worried about me, because of what i write on the blog, because of my first blog address revision and because i vanished completely with this new blog. Gave me her hp number and her icq number and I know I will never speak to her ever again. I don't trust people anymore. Especially when they offer to help. They never know what it means to believe them. They never know what it means to me when they can't keep their promises to be there. So I guess thats another virtual friendship biting the dust.

JJ is coming this weekend. Staying for two days. Should be fun. What I really need, contrary to what I say about girlfriends and stuff, is just a circle of friends, whom I can hang out with in the city, go out for dinners, coffee, alcohol, movies. I guess i am no longer looking for intellectual stimulation. Most people, I get bored with them pretty quickly. Sometimes, I think they are insects and yes I do have a sizable ego which is paradoxical because I am also insecure. I just want a decent mix of people, so that I don't get bored with them individually that quickly. I want people to accompany me to a good art film at broadway cinema, to revolution for vodka shots, to Pierre Victoire for french food, to Wagamama for noodles. I guess I don't need a gf, i just want friends.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Can't get the song out of my head. "Alone again, naturally"

Had a phone call conversation with Sh, someone i detest for her infinite stupidity and naivety about life and people. Worst of all, she is a gahmen supporter. She wanted to visit me in the UK and, of course, in my infinite loneliness, I gathered that talking to an idiot is better than talking to no one at all. Then she asked me whether I was real in the context of my academic abilities and this is of course, as everyone knows, a sore point with me. For a while, the movie, dinner distracted me, but once I returned to the isolation cell, I started brooding about her comments. To add insult to injury, the school mass mailed its congrats to two final year phd students who have been appointed lecturers by certain universities in the UK. Mediocrity. I am really scared of being mediocre. I need to prove to myself that I am not mediocre, I really need to do that. Soon.

Watched Monster. It was supposed to invoke pathos but i was just waiting for her to get caught so that the State can hang her.

I am desensitised.

Monday, May 03, 2004

Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You?

Sunday, May 02, 2004

I am bored. I hate sundays. I told FY how i felt, that people around her are capable of suspending their beliefs, their dislikes for her and she is unable to reciprocate in kind. I guess this means a further wedge between me and her, a distance that has been increasing since that day in Oxford. Even now, I have no idea why I flared up then. Subsequently, I appear to be justifying my actions by reasoning from the occurence rather than to explain it by how I felt at that time. Honestly, I don't know why I flared up. To block her from this blog is a symbollic gesture that she is no longer privy to my inner thoughts. The scary thing is, the bear is the only one who knows how I feel and this is obviously pathetic as my only confidant is not even human. I have deceived myself for so long now, thinking that she is someone who understands me when it is clear that she does not. As L puts it, she is too mummified by her own issues to do so. That realisation has left me, strikingly aware of my solitude and it scares me, my room has become my isolation cell.

So I lie in bed. Been doing that for the whole day, playing video games, reading online comics. M called. I lied to her. I told her that I was hospitalised for making a cut that was too deep to heal naturally and that I have to see a shrink. I don't know why I lied. Do I? I guess I want her back. Not for love, not for company. I just want an emotional control over her, a collar around her neck. Mind games. I wish I could be Sebastien in Cruel Intentions, with his charisma, he could control, manipulate the women around him, to do whatever he wants. I wish I could be him.

Saturday, May 01, 2004

I cooked the chinese chicken stew dish. I need to do more things like this to maintain my sanity. I just don't know what else I can do to achieve the same effect.

Went to the second hand bookstore again, its becoming a weekly routine, I bought "The Little Hammer" by John Kelly, looks interesting based on the summary of the plot. Will read to see if its really that fantastic, I am taking a risk, ultimately, the writer is someone i have never heard of but the plot is intriguing so lets see how it goes.

Feeling empty and bored. Trying not to msn people about it because I don't wish to be perceived as whining, L's comments about how I sound like S has sort of killed any desire to talk to her about it, especially when I know I am boring her, because I know I am boring myself too. Hope I can get back to work next week. Frankly, death is a viable option for me and the only thing thats stopping me are my parents, pure and simple as that. I don't think my parents can take it. I know my friends can. I don't have anyone else who loves to the extent that they will die from the bereavement. But unfortunately I do have my parents and so I can't die, I just have to find ways, to contain the madness in me.

Bought more food, lots of fresh fruits and veges. I am feeling fat, haven't exercised for some time, been eating too much fast food, had pizza and Burger King, I need to start my routine again, and my diet. I feel fat.

Going to meet SA next week. She amuses me. I know she's using me, a common trait of most females who actually initiate contact with me. But I am letting her use me because I am using her too. If manipulation and exploitation is mutual, is it still manipulation and exploitation or do we simply call it a contract? Or is it a game, a battle of wills, to see who has the final say over the control. I guess, if humans don't accept me, I will play them, as Hamlet said, like a flute. Its fun.

Kill Bill Vol 2 is nowhere as good as Kill Bill Vol 1, it has some good parts, the exchange between Pai Mei and the Bride, the Bride and Bill but the action sequences are just not as stylist and brillant as Kill Bill 1.

Just spent three days in my room, I realised after every trip to oxford, I have to spend a few days in my isolation cell to recover.

Am I pissed with F? It sounds like double standards to me, to talk about censorship and how the government shouldn't censor and yet she censors me for my tirade against the fat bitch. Changing the name of the website is probably better, at least, now I can rant with no fear of my words having an impact beyond this webpage.

I am tired again. Been sleeping a lot. Not in the mood to walk. I feel terribly alone these days. The more I meet people, the more i meet FY, the more I am reminded that I am utterly alone. No matter where I go. She, L, no matter what they do, they have friends, people willing to support them. Sometimes, I wonder whether telling them that people will abandon them because of their depression, is it something i say, to reduce the number of friends they have. I don't know. All I know of is that I am alone. I am always the person on the fringes of society, of a cliche, and no one accepts me unconditionally. Why am I so pissed with FY because she doesn't understand how much I hate being ignored and somehow asking me to censorship that tirade is a manifest indication of how she doesn't care about anything but herself. All she cares about is her self herself and herself. She doesn't appreciate anything that anyone does for her. All she cares about is her stupid rituals. I hate being ignored and that feeling is enormous, its almost equivalent to my hatred of abandonment. And yet did she bear that in mind? No, why should I censor, because it upsets her. Yet she didn't ask me whether it would upset me, knowing that I hate being ignored. I hate being unappreciated. Maybe thats why people leave her. Dr T and S because she didn't show them the appreciation to warrant the continuation of their efforts. I am tired. I suspect the only reason why I still talk to her, is that I need to use her for academic purposes. I am selfish ain't I, Elaine, just like you.

I need to get alcohol later when I go to sainsbury.