Saturday, June 26, 2004

Is liberation and self awareness, realising that I have the capacity to hurt someone advertently and not feel guilt about it? Is our conscience our Limiters as in Xenogears, the genetic code implanted in us, not to go against our creators, not to have the strength to match them, to have an uncontrollable fear of them, that we whimper at their feet? Guilt. It used to last longer. This time, it lasted for just half a day. The first ten minutes were the most intense but it slowly faded, while my Gears were tearing the Angels apart. The next day, I didn't feel a thing. What happened to my conscience? It used to be strong, it used to dictate my moods and my inactivity. Where has it gone to?

Am I free?

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

I have begun a systematic purge of people close to me, people who have seen beyond the facade, to the person within. These are the people that trigger my attacks, my depression. Or maybe more accurately, these are the people that I have an adverse reaction to. Self preservation? Perhaps. I don't wish to promise anyone that I will be with them, I will be there for them anymore. Because I realised that I am selfish after all, anyone who affects me and induces my attacks, I will sever my ties with them. It started with FY and now, its SL.

Its just you and M left now.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Feeling really fucked up. Why? I don't know, things are going well, academically, work is okie, panel review over without a glitch, supervisor meeting, fine, offered me a research assistant post with him, the thesis chapter, i think i know how I am going to write the current chapter. Feeling crappy because, sighs, because, I am not getting any interviews for the tutorship positions. Wondering whether its because I messed up the cover letter, or simply because of my race. ugh, i know everyone will be saying, be contented with what you have, blah blah, its just a minor setback, but, rationality has its limits, i just feel fucked up because of it and there's no explanation for it. Its just how it is and anyone giving me that kind of advice, can stuff a tree up his/her ass.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Feeling jumpy again. Why? Reason on the surface, thesis is moving slowly again, directionless, I don't know where the chapter is heading, to something mindblowing? Definitely not. To a simplistic exploration of explanations, there is that danger. I just don't know where I am going, and I am worried that it will not hit the standards, the impossible standards I have set for myself, i suspect, my superivisor will find it fine, but for me, its not enough, its never enough. Deeper reason: I am frightfully envious of the people around me, I mean, I honestly feel happy for them when they do well, but still, I am worried that, I am not as good as them, the way they write, their ideas, I just don't know whether I am good enough.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Insomnia isn't good for me. Somehow, lack of sleep reduces my self control such that my voice of rationality is weakened by the voice unspeakable. Its a vicious cycle, it was started out with simple insomnia, with it comes, the voices of memories, of occurrences, that perturb, that discomfort, that hurt, they all rise up to surface, in a deadly cyclone that threatens to engulf everything and all I could do is to lie down and attempt to ignore the gibbering inside, how can I possibly sleep with these voices inside my head, screaming and shouting? I just lie down and wait for them to stop.

Friday, June 04, 2004

Meanwhile, Jon Stewart, one of America's leading political satirists made some sardonic remarks about the state of the world, a not-so-veiled attack on the Bush administration.

"We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui."