Friday, April 09, 2004

I was talking to F during one of our numerous msn conversations and she said, that money can buy you a phd. Well I concede to the general application of that statement but I would qualify it by limiting it to universities which are not exactly on top 100 university lists of the world. Then I thought, and I made it know to F that certs are nothing too. You can be like me, an overachiever in my education since A levels which incidentally, I messed up by being angsty, but to me, its all nothing, it simply says that you are not mediocre and i guess that's not enough for me. I am in search of a piece of work that I can write, that I can publish, an idea, an argument, a theory that I can call my own.

Had a similar conversation with Lainey as well, on being mediocre and how she can't abide it. Likewise, I can't. I can't stay in Singapore, and be one of them. People like us, we can't help but be crushed by what Singapore is. Every year when I return to Singapore, inevitably, the Death Wish engulfs me. I can never truly escape it. The air there is somehow stifling suffocating, and I feel as if I am forced to the ground like the black man in American History X, with my mouth on the curb, waiting for the leg, the impact that will break my neck and end my life. People like us. We break down. L has broken down, F has broken down, I have broken down, but we have all gotten back on our feet, but how long can we continue to keep rising , how long more before we sigh and give up? I don't know. That is why Singapore must remain a visit, a short vacation to remind how lucky I am to leave. I wish that one day, L and F can escape. But its not easy. Even I may be forced back one day.

I want to be free.

Free to search for purity. To me, purity is not in love, its not in religion, its only in ideas.

I wish I have the strength to follow der Wille zur Macht


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