Thursday, April 08, 2004

I have this bad habit. I can't stand what I write. No matter how pleased I am with my works, my blog entries, my poetry, my thesis, my article drafts, I will hate them in a few days/weeks time. I have no idea why. Currently, I can't stand my old blog and thats why its gone now.

I guess this is another start. Perhaps, it is impossible to have a clean slate in life unless of course you believe in the next life and in this virtual world, if blog entries define who you are, you have the power to create yourself. This is another virtual clean slate. My secret hope is that this new beginning is capable of infecting my life in the real world although, my usual pessimism has already risen to crush it.

Incidentally, I am reminded of one of my favourite thoughts. Lucid dreaming, the ability to control what you dream. I have always thought that if you are capable of doing that, you have become God. It is like in Sophie's world, that perhaps we are in a world dreamt by one and when he stops dreaming, our world, our lives will end, just like that. You control the dream, the contents of the dream, the people, the lives. You are God till you wake up, and if you don't wake up, you are God till you die.

Lainey says, I write best when I write with my heart and recently, actually not that recently, for quite some time, i write more with my brain. I don't know, I am beginning to suspect that my heart isn't exactly there anymore. Sometimes, i am not too sure whether I feel with my heart or whether my brain is sending the signals to my heart to feel in a particular way, my emotions are becoming increasingly contrived, artificial. Sometimes, I suspect that I say I am sad not because I am sad but because I think it is appropriate, convenient, beneficial to be sad. Frankly, I am now so utterly confused over my emotions. My interaction with humans have become a role that I play. Of course, for everyone, interaction is a role. Whenever, we choose not to reveal a fragment of ourselves, we are acting according to a script. But does it pay to reveal all? Well considering the fact that I have been betrayed by the few times I have done, I don't think so.

I am rambling. Its fun to ramble. After all, writing a thesis requires me to focus so much on structure, relevancy and word limits, rambling becomes a relaxing exercise.

Well I will ramble more later. Have to wake up and continue my "bullimic" diet as lainey likes to describe it.


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