Thursday, May 13, 2004

This week has been a bad week. First two days were spent, in a futile attempt to read my cases, haiku, msn, slashing and feeling generally crappy, took up most of the time. Yesterday, was better. I managed to get something down on paper, although, I am nowhere satisfied with I wrote then. Today was just bad. I spent it rewriting and rewriting the same passage over and over again. The more I write the more mediocre I feel, my deadline is next friday and I don't have much to show at the supervisor meeting. Sighs, going to try again tomorrow. Hopefully, I can finish, at least the English common law section, although I am not optimistic about my prospects for that. Wondering whether I should cut myself to get the creative juices flowing. That sounds pathetic.

Weekend is coming again and I am scared of the emptiness. Two days in my room, i don't know whether I can take it. Wish JJ could visit me more often but I don't think thats plausible. Nor do I think that its fair to rely on her. I wish, someone can say, she loves me, and do whatever she can to make me visible, to feel that I am part of something. But there's no one around. Going to watch Van Helsing tomorrow. Heard that it isn't that fantastic, but at least I have an excuse to go out before I am cooped up in my room for the weekend. I am really tired. When I can make cuts near my wrists, it means the madness can easily spill over till I slit.

I wonder whether my death would mean anything to anyone besides my parents. Sometimes, love isn't a good thing. I can't kill myself because of them and therefore I have to live in my misery. I am really tired. I don't feel good about anything. I have no future because I don't see any except a black fog of maddness enveloping everything. No matter how high I work up, its the same, fear of mediocrity, fear of being alone, yet being unable to connect with people because I simply can't. I can't love. Because C has drained every ounce of love out of me. M has proven that to me.

The beheading incident was another indication of my utter desensitisation.I don't care whether humans die, the poor, the marginalised. I just care about the people who notice me and see me who I am, the people who I consider to be my friends. The rest of the world, can implode for all I care.


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