Saturday, May 01, 2004

Went to the second hand bookstore again, its becoming a weekly routine, I bought "The Little Hammer" by John Kelly, looks interesting based on the summary of the plot. Will read to see if its really that fantastic, I am taking a risk, ultimately, the writer is someone i have never heard of but the plot is intriguing so lets see how it goes.

Feeling empty and bored. Trying not to msn people about it because I don't wish to be perceived as whining, L's comments about how I sound like S has sort of killed any desire to talk to her about it, especially when I know I am boring her, because I know I am boring myself too. Hope I can get back to work next week. Frankly, death is a viable option for me and the only thing thats stopping me are my parents, pure and simple as that. I don't think my parents can take it. I know my friends can. I don't have anyone else who loves to the extent that they will die from the bereavement. But unfortunately I do have my parents and so I can't die, I just have to find ways, to contain the madness in me.

Bought more food, lots of fresh fruits and veges. I am feeling fat, haven't exercised for some time, been eating too much fast food, had pizza and Burger King, I need to start my routine again, and my diet. I feel fat.

Going to meet SA next week. She amuses me. I know she's using me, a common trait of most females who actually initiate contact with me. But I am letting her use me because I am using her too. If manipulation and exploitation is mutual, is it still manipulation and exploitation or do we simply call it a contract? Or is it a game, a battle of wills, to see who has the final say over the control. I guess, if humans don't accept me, I will play them, as Hamlet said, like a flute. Its fun.


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