Sunday, May 02, 2004

I am bored. I hate sundays. I told FY how i felt, that people around her are capable of suspending their beliefs, their dislikes for her and she is unable to reciprocate in kind. I guess this means a further wedge between me and her, a distance that has been increasing since that day in Oxford. Even now, I have no idea why I flared up then. Subsequently, I appear to be justifying my actions by reasoning from the occurence rather than to explain it by how I felt at that time. Honestly, I don't know why I flared up. To block her from this blog is a symbollic gesture that she is no longer privy to my inner thoughts. The scary thing is, the bear is the only one who knows how I feel and this is obviously pathetic as my only confidant is not even human. I have deceived myself for so long now, thinking that she is someone who understands me when it is clear that she does not. As L puts it, she is too mummified by her own issues to do so. That realisation has left me, strikingly aware of my solitude and it scares me, my room has become my isolation cell.

So I lie in bed. Been doing that for the whole day, playing video games, reading online comics. M called. I lied to her. I told her that I was hospitalised for making a cut that was too deep to heal naturally and that I have to see a shrink. I don't know why I lied. Do I? I guess I want her back. Not for love, not for company. I just want an emotional control over her, a collar around her neck. Mind games. I wish I could be Sebastien in Cruel Intentions, with his charisma, he could control, manipulate the women around him, to do whatever he wants. I wish I could be him.


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