Sunday, April 11, 2004

Somehow being told that they can't make up their minds whether I am malignant or benign, really perturbs. Can't seem to get the thought out of my head.

So I ranted:

"Am I malignant or benign? To some, with my pessimism and extolling of realism and the eradication of hope, I am malignant. I deflate the hopes of others, I attempt to persuade them that hope is futile. Do I bring people down? If I depress them, if i bring them back to Earth, it is but a affirmation of what reality is, a warning of the possible consequences, I do not discount the possibility of success, in our terms happiness, I do not discount that that is a possible outcome. I simply point out that it is highly unlikely. What is the point of being ridiculously optimistic, saying things like things will be better, it will be fine, you just have to wait, its a rainy spell, when it is unlikely to be fine for us, fine as in a period of calm? What is the point of saying such things when they simply do not understand what goes on in our minds? They do not know what we go through, they do not know how we feel. I question the motives of people who say that; honestly do they really believe that it will be fine or are they saying that because it appears to be appropriate to say so? To say such things without fully comprehending what goes on, the provision of false hope, that is more malignant than what I can possibly do."

After a few more hours of thinking, actually worrying that I am being presumptious and therefore arrogant, who am I to say that I understand, I was even having a semantic debate with myself as to the difference between knowing and understanding. Eventually, I came to the conclusion, its a stupid conclusion actually, that it really bugs me that people are equivocal about me, that a friend can think I bear ill will towards him/her. What's more, people who don't know me, who have never seen me, who have no inkling of what I am, can be sceptical, suspicious about me? That really really pisses me off, that I have decided that this person is someone i will have no contact with, whatsoever.

I guess my training isn't complete, I am still unable to push aside such comments, out of my head. I just keep brooding. Need to learn to push it away.


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