Monday, April 12, 2004

I wish that I have L's ability to be cheered up by the simple things in life, to be happy simply because.

In normal circumstances, I function between two points in the spectrum of happiness and downright depression; numbness and downright depression. The more i talk to L and F, the more I realised how I am resigned to my own fate. No matter how cruel life is to them, they have held on to their candle of hope, even though, the winds blow mercilessly at them, I dare say even more viciously and nefariously than mine. Strangely, it is my candle that has been blown out. Perhaps it could be attributed to the fact that I am not bp or md. They have the innate ability to reach highs that I am incapable of reaching, my moods are but hills to their mountains.

I know that they are exasperated by my lack of hope, optimism and idealism. They have a desire to change people, to change the things around them, to construct their own reality, to dream of a better tomorrow, no matter how cliched that sounds. I prefer to survive within the parameters of the world, live with the terms that I am given. In a way, i can be worst, I guess, I could be wallowing in self pity, cursing and railing against the painted ones who have so much more than I, in their lives. But thankfully, I have long since grown past that stage; it was just a stage one had to go through while recovering from a traumatic episode. Still, no one likes a stick in the mud and basically, thats what I am.

Perhaps thats why I can be L's damage controller. I don't think I can be one if I have your highs.


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