Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Came back from Oxford yesterday. Oxford was a mixed bag. I did manage to play basketball, for quite some time, I should say, around 4 hours of it. Its fun although, my physical state has clearly deteriorated. Lack of sleep, lack of food, the train ride, they all contribute to a pretty ineffectual me. Managed to do some readings, not much but still the experience of reading in a cafe on nice couches never fails to cheer me up. Chinese food was good, had practically chinese for all my meals, dim sum twice, dishes and rice twice. . I like walking down the roads of Oxford, in the middle of the night, to grab a kebab from the vans, its soothing, to walk in the cold, its a different world at night, and of course, i hate the sun and so the cold is good. I got a hair cut too! Springtime in the UK is simply too hot for long hair.

On to the bad then. I realised or maybe i have always realised it but this is the first time I have articulated it in such detail. I am socially inept. I can't initiate contact, I can't seem to intiate contact. People have to do it first. They have to start the ball rolling, before I can respond in kind and even then, I think people are bored by me, likewise, I am bored by them. I am generally bored with human beings. No matter where I go, the conversation bores me to the extreme with its repetitiveness and its ordinariness. Some people are amusing. Some. A is amusing, K is amusing. My secondary school classmates are amusing, uncle C and uncle JM are amusing. Bear bear is amusing. But most of the time, I find myself, retreating into my self, and having a conversation within me. And of course I have the rant below. I hate people treating me as if I am invisible. I hate people thinking that I am not good enough, that I am not worthy of their attention, that I am lesser than them. I really loathe that. For all my life, it has been that, the Aunt from Hell, the JC class, the army English speaking elite, who believe that being able to speak chinese properly somehow indicates my inability to speak English, look at where I am now, u fucking pricks, undergrad, Masters and now, the fat ass bitch. I have been spending my life, fighting against such people but they never fail to stop, they keep coming, with their pre determined prejudicies, that I am nothing compared to them. Fuck you all. Misanthropy. I really abhor the human kind.

Final point. I hate being controlled. I hate being told what to do. When people do that to me, I have this natural urge to rebel, to do exactly what they don't want me to do. but for love or duty, I can do it for a while but not for long. I guess.

I am tired. On the whole, Ox was bad. It reminded me of my conflicts, the clash between my need to be socially active and my irritation and boredom with the humankind. It reminded me of my solitude and that it is an inescapable fact of my existence. It reminded me of my need to be appreciated and that if there is no apparent reciprocation, I can't do much. The will to help is simply reduced.

Sighs, I should be alone. If only I can control the madness when I am alone.


Post a Comment

<< Home